Throughout my life I have behaved in many of foolish ways due to the emotion
called love. Love is something I used to dream about as a child and have grown
to fear as an adult. Every person feels differently about love, but because of
David I hurt my parents, my self-esteem and ability to trust people. At the age
of fourteen, I was not concerned with my parents feelings. I did exactly the
opposite of what they told me to do and did not think about the consequences.
When they found out I was dating a guy five years older than me they tried to
prohibit me from seeing him again. I was in love so I made it possible to see
David every time he wanted to see me. I would get my parents to drop me off
somewhere like the movies or putt-putt and he would pick me up after they had
left. I would sneak out of my bedroom window and meet David down the road. I did
not care if my parents found out, all that mattered to me was seeing David. I
blamed everything that went wrong in my life on them. If David did not call me
one night, I would accuse them of taking the phone off the hook. If David was
rude to me, I would claim it was because he knew they did not like him. I would
do anything to ignore the fact that David did not love me. It took a while for
my parents to forgive me. I can only imagine what I put them through. I just
wanted to be loved by David so deeply, I hurt the people who actually loved me
the most. Not only did I hurt my parents, I hurt my self-esteem to. I would
constantly criticize myself by thinking the reason David left me was because I
was not pretty enough for him. In my mind David was perfect and I was nothing
without him. I blamed myself for being so young and immature when all along it
was David who was the immature one. He would often make jokes about my age as if
it was my fault that I was younger than him. I would lock myself in my bedroom
and not see or talk to anybody for days at a time. Eventually, I realized David
was not worth all this pain and moved on with my life but the scars will always
be with me. For me to learn to trust again has been the hardest issue of all. I
had all the trust in the world in David and he let me down. Everything he said
to me was a lie. When he said he loved me, I believed him. When he said he would
never leave me, I thought he really meant it. I find it difficult to be in other
relationships because I am constantly wondering if they are being truthful. I
broke up with my last boyfriend because he claimed he loved me and I felt like I
barely knew him. I have come to the conclusion that I am scared to trust because
I am scared of love. I do not want to get hurt again, so I keep my distance from
anything that could cause me pain or disappointment. Love has caused me to hurt
my parents, and my self-esteem and ability to trust people. I have heard people
say love is the best feeling in the world. I think I will just take their word
and not chance it right now. I still have a lot of healing to do before I am
fully ready to commit myself to anyone else.